Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Esqueezy Explains It All: The Best (and worst) of 2008

NOW THAT’S WHAT I DON’T CALL MUSIC

Shitting hell is it really Now 71? Which frankly, makes me feel a pretty similar age. They were only on Now 38 when I used to make peadophiles dreams come true and make up dance movies in my smalls. I was always diggin the hum-diggin estacy pill music they whacked on the bottom of disc 2. Bit of a shitemare when your mum got hold of it and started whistling Ultra Nate at the breakfast table. Starting your day like that can have you poking out your eyes by lunchtime. Any mum who desperately tries to be bang on their daughter's wavelength and possibly her 'bff' is in a dark place. They hang out in American Apparel fitting rooms with flappy bingo wings/brown paper bag thighs modelling lamé gold hot pants asking - "Do I look good in this?" For real...?

MUSICAL ACTS/DJ’S/SAD SCENESTERS – THE MOVERS ‘N’ SHAKERS
There have been several movers and shakers in the big bad game this year – be it through the back door or washed up on the not-so-welcome mat (with very many being via dick in mouth/flash of boob). Here’s a handful that have caught my attention especially -

MOVER
Mr. Vegas has retired. I found this fond farewell on my internet travels –

“Thank everybody weh believe inna mi and help mi fi do 11 years inna music even when everybody else a try stop mi. But mi main thing is to be closer to God Almighty an spend more time with mi kids”.

It tickled me because a) of the way its been typed up and, b) it’s about two words off sounding like a suicide note. Combine both those pointers together and you got one weird suicide note. Dark. Mr Vegas was the shit. I’ll miss him – but I don’t reckon much of the homosexual population will.

SHAKER
Lady Sovereign’s
made a comeback – after her apparent unhealthy relationship with the bottle. Join the club love – but how often did you a) bar brawl... b) puke on the Magic Bus.... c) eat stinking kebabs most probably made of donkey testicles? I like Sov’s edge, but I have to say she’s had some sort of ‘revamp’ – and I think the stylist may well have been blind. Sov has got to have a side ponytail and boy's garms to truly be Sov. Instead she’s been injected with curls and then somebody puked up black paint in her wardrobe and smudged some round her eyes. I suppose her upcoming album will be the ultimate judge of it.

MOVERS
The Cool Kids
have made upwards movements in 2008. I remember a Black Mags refix back in 07 with Sweet Dreams and from then on it was whoa, whoa and more whoa. I know it’s that scenester/hipster hip-hop or whatever but I actually think it’s healthy, it’s ‘fun’. I think the same can be said for Wale. Definitely some of the things Esqueezy, the self-proclaimed cynic, would like to see develop further in 09.

....AND WHO THE HELL KNOWS

Uffie, queen of the scenesters, went crazy in 2008.

Check her in bed with Cobrasnake, Jeremy Scott and her new ‘fiancé’, Andre (a French graffiti head), looking like she’s about to pass out on that shit load of Rohypnol they just fed her. Poor vulnerable not-so-innocent Uffie.

CLUBNIGHTS THAT YOU MIGHT NOT GO TO – BUT SHOULD
THE clubnight of ’08 was Contort Yourself. Without a doubt. Sometimes the acts totally aren’t my cup of Tetley but I still very much enjoy myself. It’s not solely because I get plied with free beer – it’s because the atmosphere is mellow but party party at the same time. Hard to describe but yeah, special. Plus one week you could be watching Vice’s particular flavour of the week guitar/synth quartet and the next you’re slap bang infront of Buraka son Sistema. Caters for everyone – and doesn’t particularly clutch at any sort of scene/musical fad. Big up the boys and check ‘em bi-weekly at the Roadhouse in ’09 with promising acts such as Rico Tubbs on the roster.


Still not convinced? Human Man/Ben Contort has provided a super special sellotaping of songs for your aural pleasure. Follow link below...

Contort Yourself Mixtape Volume 1 by Human Man (Z-Share)

And with that I draw to an end a very bitchy 2008! Let’s hope 2009 is just as juicy. Ciao.

Words: Esqueezy

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